Can I go full monty?
Years ago my dog and I were playing pretend. We were sitting on the stoep pretending to watch the garden, but we were both watching the other from the corners of our eyes. Every now and then I would stop pretending and fully turn to watch Goggo. When he saw that I was watching him he would start wagging his tail. When I looked away his tail would stop. I remember asking ‘Goggo, why can’t you just wag your tail? Why do you need me to watch you before your tail wags?’
Fast forward 30-odd years. I am cruising from the office for an extended lunch with my favourite colleagues at our ‘satellite office’. It’s a balmy winter’s day, the sun is shining, I’ve got my hand stuck out the window surfing the breeze. And suddenly I thought ‘why am I not happy at this moment? Now. What could possibly be ‘out of place’ for me to feel more than just slightly content? Why am I not wagging my tail? Why is this emotionless limbo my go to state? Why can't happiness be my default?
The truth is that it isn’t a simple answer. And therein lies the problem. It should be. Happiness should be simple.
In keeping with my tendency to overload any situation in my life with information, I have created many conditions that need to be met before happiness kicks in. And it is not even sensical conditions. Nor is it conscious. It is years of conditioning that told me I could only be happy if I have enough money in my account, or when I have my weight in check or whatever. Stuff about yesterday and stuff about tomorrow. Irrelevant Shit. Years of learned checks and balances we have been measured against to make us believe we are not worthy.
Can I take the leap and go full unconditional with happiness?
Joy is supposed to be my point of power. Yet in my post about joy, I came up with this weird three-step programme for me to commit to the most natural of emotions. I thought that if my default state is limbo, joy will be a bridge too far. But I have realised something liberating. I don’t only want to experience joy. I want to experience all my emotions. Naked. Full Monty. If joy should be unconditional, why not other emotions? Can I teach myself to feel again? Everything? Without conditions. Can I revel in sadness and commit to confusion? Can they all be woven into the bigger tapestry called life? I want to feel all my emotions. Without conditions. To build a relationship with a single emotion, I should build relationships with all emotions. It’s what makes me feel alive and what fuels my creativity.
If you can embrace all emotions, you cannot fear anything. Reality is what you make of it.
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