My misspent youth was spent working
Changing beliefs - my relationship with work.
I am slap bang a Generation Xer. We cut our teeth on “What am I willing to do to make it work? Whatever it takes”. We grew up with mantras like “success at any cost”. They were fed to us like mother's milk. Even our churches taught us that “By the sweat of your brow you will eat your bread, until you return to the ground”. Only now do I realise this phrase is literally a death sentence.
So this is how I spent the first thirty years of my working life. I spent it working through the night to make deadlines. I spent it burning. Burning the midnight oil, burning multiple candles at both ends just to have a semblance of a balanced life and ultimately, I spent it repeatedly burning out. I would jokingly quip “you know, I think I am a couple of months overdue for my next nervous breakdown.” Oh the irony. I was a people pleaser, willing to do anything to show my value to the system no matter the toll it took. I foolishly prided myself on my slavish work ethic, on being a jack of all trades, on stepping up to the plate no matter the cost.
And costs there definitely were. Like many other Gen Xers, by mid-life I found myself in crisis. The only thing I had to show for slaving my early adult life away was a modicum of financial stability, but, in reality, my health was shot,I was permanently tired and my entire existence revolved around work and trying to be valuable at work. I was desperately unfulfilled, there was nothing in my career that moved my soul. That “by the sweat of your brow” death sentence had come early. Only I didn’t die, I was a functional zombie.
It definitely wasn't the first time in my life, and being in that dysfunctional place yet again was so uncomfortable it forced me to face my unbearable reality. Something had to give.
What gave, or rather, is giving, is my belief system around my self worth, my purpose in life and my beliefs about work.
Enter the coach…
The first time I stated to the coach that I am a generalist he was astonished. “What the hell is a generalist?” he asked. I proudly ran my spiel about being willing and able to take on anything to make things work in the company. His reply? “I guess if you don’t know what value you bring to the table you will desperately try anything to feel valuable.” Well, that deflated my sense of worth in two seconds flat. It also hit a very raw nerve. Was I maybe compensating for not believing I am good enough by trying to please absolutely everybody to feel worthy? Could this be the source of my deep unhappiness in my career?
And so began the long journey of adopting new belief systems. It is not easy. It is a constant battle against deeply ingrained beliefs and indoctrinations that shaped my generation. Beliefs about self worth, about my purpose in life, about what I should sacrifice for the greater good. It is intensely uncomfortable, but I don’t mind. I know that this discomfort is the fuel that drives my change.
I can see clearly now
I don’t view my ‘wasted’ young adult working life as a failure any more. Thirty years of doing something wrong can be a good learning school when viewed with my newfound clarity. Any experience can be valuable if you learn from it. It seems I just happened to be a very slow learner if it took me thirty years. But a lesson long learned is a lesson well learned. I chalk the slow learning up to the stringent work ethic belief system my generation grew up with, rooted so deeply it felt a part of my DNA. We were taught you stick to it no matter the cost. And the cost was my life.
Now I see the light. It cannot tell you how liberating it is to let go of those crippling belief systems. It is a work in progress but it is literally changing my life.
So what are some of the new belief systems I am learning to adopt?
I now believe that if I find my true passion and value I will never be unfulfilled in what I do.
I am learning not to care about the opinion of others when I know that I am working on what is important. Honestly, this is a difficult belief to adopt for a recovering people pleaser.
I saw that taking on many ‘urgent’ tasks and juggling them is counter productive and does not get anything done. I choose the next most important deliverable, do it well and finish it. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and completion and I actually get things done. Also, I align with my team to work towards one goal at a time.
I am learning that it is important to celebrate completed deliverables and accomplishments with my team.
I rarely do an extensive eight hours plus work day any more. Working more hours does not make me more effective. I set clear deliverables for a day, reach them and then rediscover my lost life in the extra time.
I no longer keep endless to do lists that I must tend to. Nor do I plan too far ahead. I am cultivating an organic and very real awareness of everything in my life. I am starting to trust that what is most important will reveal itself if I stay aware and in the moment. It is damn scary.
My past superpower of purposefully analysing things to death is thankfully meeting its own end. Instead I am slowly learning to trust my gut. It’s not easy for a habitual analyser to leave the safety of that cerebral pedestal from where the intellect convinces itself it rules the universe. I realise rationality hates the gut’s guts. My real strength and creative power lie in my emotions and in my gut relationship. Hell it is not easy. A lifetime of using the sterile, cynical scalpel of rationality is a hard habit to break. Rationality convinced itself that all other faculties are inferior. But now I explore the magical, uncharted world of instinct and gut feel.
On that same note, I now believe too much external information obscures my truth. The truth is within. How do you feel about something? Become still and the truth will reveal itself.
These are just a couple of examples of the way I am changing my work beliefs and practices. It sure isn’t easy. It’s like rewriting my DNA. This new approach to work literally goes against everything I have been indoctrinated with during the eighties and nineties. In fact, it is so contradictory to that abusive work ethic that was drilled into me that the mental noise sometimes drives me crazy. Not to mention having to deal with Gen Xer colleagues’ disapproval of my new, lackadaisical (their word) way of work. But I don’t care. This is a battle for my soul and I have tasted freedom. I can honestly say I have never been more hopeful. I am seeing things clearer, I see a future. Where previously I was dead, this is now just the beginning…
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